Help from the Umpire upstairs for stars below

SUNAAD RAGHURAM writes: There is a new website on the horizon. It’s called

Double click on it and this is what you read. 

"Promoted by the Cricketers' Guild, our website opens a whole new world of possibilities. Basically aimed at cricketers, it is a sort of spiritual guide to those who qualify as present cricketers, future cricketers, dropped cricketers, out of touch cricketers, tired cricketers (because of too much cricket) and retired cricketers.

"Cricket administrators can also log on for prospects of governing the game better.

"Our website takes the cricketer through the two main poojes of the famous Subramanya temple, Nagapratishte and Ashlesha Bali Seve, ball by ball, sorry, step by step. 

"Cricketers who are interested (and we are dead sure that there will be hundreds of them, especially after Sachin Tendulkar himself did the pooje followed by Robin Utthappa) in conducting these seves can log on immediately and reap the benefits of His benevolence.

"Results can be seen within ten match days, both ODIs and Tests included. "Batsmen who have Sarpa Dosha, normally suffer from blurred vision at the crease, especially in a tight situation like when they go in, at say, 16 for 4, and even the most innocuous of deliveries bowled by perfectly mediocre bowlers look like they are ‘snaking’ and ‘hissing’ past them. In such situations, the chances of getting out are maximum. 

"Bowlers who suffer from the same dosha, howsoever talented they are, cannot swing (both ways), swerve, cut, turn and angle the ball even when they are bowling to the most ordinary of batsmen. In such situations, the chances of getting hit all over the park are maximum. 

"The dosha also acts on good fielders and slip catchers. While a ball is hit in the air directly to the fielder at point, if he is a doshee, the fielder will be quite unnecessarily lunging in the direction of extra cover, only to miss the catch and worse, allow the ball to go for four. 

"Likewise, even fine catchers in the slips, be it first, second or third slip, will be unnecessarily diving in front of the wicket keeper instead of gauging the trajectory of the ball coming perfectly in their direction. The dosha almost always unfailingly makes the ball move around like a snake. For those who suffer from it, that is.

"Cricketers who are interested in conducting the poojes at the temple should come in whites. Not flannels but in veshti and panche. Married cricketers should make it a point to bring their wives. Kumkuma shall be smeared quite liberally on the forehead before the start of the pooje at the temple itself. 

"Also, silver pads, gloves, balls, arm and chest protectors and even abdomen guards are readily available at the temple office for those cricketers who wish to offer them to the temple along with silver ears, nose, eyes, hands, legs and such other anatomical parts that people generally offer to rid themselves of afflictions to those parts." 

ps: Special food will be organized by the temple authorities for seva-karta cricketers. Prasada will include ladoo in the perfect shape of a cricket ball complete with the necessary stitches for bowlers, and for batsmen, a special item made of banana, jaggery and rice that looks exactly like a cricket bat with Glen & Moore written on it in thick sugar syrup.

Statutory Warning: Churumuri cannot guarantee that reading this piece will not be injurious to your sense of humour.