KANCHAN HARIHARAN ( a hard-Kaur Tamil) forwards a survey that has revealed that ‘Ambi Mama‘ is the leading relative among Tamil Brahmin families worldwide, with six in ten families having one of their own (a 60% representation). Apparently, Ambi Mama held off stiff competition from Mani Mama (with 55% representation) and Baby Chitti (39%) for a well-deserved win.
“It’s a great day for all Ambi Mamas. All the years of hard work—drinking coffee, criticizing the Indian team selection and complaining about blood-pressure—have finally paid off. Yay!” said Ambi Mama, a spokesman for the Ambi Mamas Association of Dear Old Rascals (AMBASSADOR), a division of the Hardcore Brahmin Organisation (HBO).
Mani Mamas all over the world watched in anguish as the final results were announced, plunging them into gloom. “It’s no fun being a Mani Mama anymore”, said Mani Mama. ” Maybe if I change my name to ‘Ramesh Anna‘, I will have a brighter future,” he pondered pointlessly.
The survey also said that a respectable number of families (or a number of respectable families, as the case may be), have a Vaidhi Thatha, Bangalore Anna, and at least one random guy named ‘Chandroo‘ who is at all functions, but no-one can really place (and may not be related at all).
Predictably, bringing up the rear were non-entities like Driscoll Periappa, Jessica Alba Anni and Darth Vader Mama, which had zero representation.
“Brahmins are way too conservative, dude!”, complained Cleveland Shankar, one of the more modern Iyer boys (or boyz, if you prefer. We offer multiple-choice reading. You’re welcome.) “When are they going to drop old duds like Venkatakrishnan, Suresh and Balaji, and start using hipper names like Jason, Beyonce and The Human Torch?” he asked, to wide applause from a group of people watching cricket on a nearby television.
Not all are happy with progress, however. “These youngsters are ruining everything by naming their children Archish, Dhruv and Plaha,” thundered Badri Athimber. “Can you imagine how it will sound? Dhruv Mama, Anamika Athai, Archish Chittappa—Ugh! Phooey! That is so not cool!!” he growled, using expressions of disgust picked up from his states-based co-brother.
When asked for their response, several Brahmins living in Adyar merely arched their eyebrows, pursed their lips, and continued waiting for the December music season.