BAPU SATYANARAYANA writes: More than a year ago, Master Hirannaiah bemoaned the influence of western culture, thus warping our values. He however conceded that there was a certain inevitability to the march of time but exhorted that, whatever be the compulsion, children should not banish their parents to old-age homes.
But look around you, and the reality is far removed from well-meaning rhetoric.
Old-age homes and orphanages are mushrooming all over the place. There is, indeed, a certain inevitability about it. In Mysore, for example, in most middle-class homes especially among the educated class, sons and daughters have to leave their city in search of jobs, or leave their country and go abroad to find greener pastures.
Even in the case when sons and daughters stay back, they opt for a nuclear family and live in a separate establishment. This results in parents having to live alone and fend for themselves though children, who still retain filial affection, may visit them on some festival days or during marriage anniversary and birthdays.
On the other hand, it must be conceded that parents who cling on to the old world values, often entertain unreasonable expectations from their children as a quid pro quo for what they have done. They lose no opportunity to describe how much “sacrifice” they have made in raising them, implying that in their old age it is the duty of the children to look after them and even tolerate their whims.
This stubborn streak only results in emotional outbursts and loss of tempers, resulting in even more frustration.
At the same time, it is not unusual to find sons who have their own families to look after suffering emotionally because they are caught in a bind and experience feelings of helplessness and sometimes even remorse in calmer times.
These type of conflicts take a heavy toll on everybody in the family. There are no easy solutions and ready-made answers and probably, on balance, wisdom should dawn on elders that the old order is changing and that it has to yield place to the new.
Then there are old and healthy parents who visit their children settled in America or England regularly. This is a mutually satisfying situation as the parents are able to maintain an emotional link with children and grandchildren till they become too old to bear the travails of travel.
Also, in the case of parents who have life threatening illness, no insurance company comes to their aid and hence at one point of time these frequent visits will stop.
In such a situation the only remedy for aged and ageing parents is to find a haven in old-age homes.
One cannot blame the children also for they have their life to live and it would be unrealistic of parents to emotionally blackmail them to come back to live with them and look after them. It must be admitted that there are cases when children do come home to look after the children at considerable sacrifice to their profession. However, such cases are rare for it implies both husband and wife share the same sentiments.
Also, in many cases the parents themselves opt to stay away from their children for in that case one doesn’t have tread on the toes of the other and parents too want to have their independaance. This is the reality of the march of time and both parents and children have to reconcile to this situation whatever be the consequeces.
Elders must realise the world belongs to the young and that they, in turn, will face the same situation when they grow old.
Probably many of these conflicts can be overcome if the parents can appreciate what the Lebanese-American writer Khalil Gibran says in Prophet on Children:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Bapuji, the Khalil Gibran you cite is my mother’s favorite as well. My mother, Hemlata, lives in Yadavagiri. Her friends complain that she uses that quotation in just about every conversation that involves my sister Shylaja or me. I am forwarding your piece to her — I think she’d really agree with your thought. She’ll probably be thrilled to see someone else citing Gibran!
hello sir ,
ur 105 years old father living with u
and the way u make him feel comfortable
is a better &practical & live poem
better than khalil gibrans poetic thoughts
kudos to you
Sir,
transgressions mannisa beku.
kaala badalagirodantu nija.
naaniruvude nimagaagi antha haaDidora maga
naanantu baaLode nanagaagi antha kuNida prasanga illide noDi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4o-8PUoWI4
just could not stop of thinking of huballi chennamma circle, ettina banDi, biLi kacche panche, ettida meese, haLadi pete while watching this video.
the contrast, as they say, is amazing.
aside: thought Puneeth grooved well in the song.
Excellent piece here. Very appropriate at this time and age.
You have touched upon all the angles. But, at the end, I assume you seem to agree that putting parents in an old age home is not all that bad.
Sure, logical nuts may completely agree with you and pooh pooh the slightly emotional junkies like me.
If I were in America, and if my parents needed my help at any time, I would probably risk almost everything there and rush back to help them out in the time of their distress. I am sure there are tons and tons of us. I think it’s just the natural instinct.
I certainly understand the commitments and miscellaneous issues which force the children to put their parents in an old age home. But, honestly, until a few years back, this was really a taboo in Indian society. It still is, in most places. I don’t think my own father or mother can imagine me doing that to them. I certainly can’t imagine that either.
Your article is very logical. But is it truly practical in this country ? We were all raised with such strong emotional bonding. How can we just throw that away ?
Khalil Gibran is a gem and his words here are amazing. But honestly, I believe that it will take several generations for us Indians to really take the essence out of it.
I will not generalize, but most Inidan parents have a lot of expectations from their children, mine included. It will take aeons for that to change.
And finally, will you put your father in an old age home ? I bet my life you won’t :)
Oh, and on a lighter note, chaMpa (Chandrashekhar Patil) was talking about IT guys and gals a few weeks ago. He was commenting on all the IT folks dropping their kids at the day care early in the morning to come and pick them up only late at night. He warned them that the kids would grow up and eventually do a similar thing to the parents when they are old…..i.e, put them in an old age home. Logical, huh ?
As they as, you reap what you sow….
A wonderful post. And complementing comments too.
It was long back when I had read those Gibran’s verses from Prophet. Brought back some old memories.
I could so well relate to things written here. My grandparents are back in my hometown. All their children are either away in Mumbai or in Bangalore. Recently, we all united for once to celebrate grandpa turning 100. Otherwise few distant relatives who act as care-takers and maids stay with them.
Some practicalities: grandpa can’t stay in city. When an attempt was made to get him accustomed to city life years back he refused, he fought and had to be taken back. He likes it there walking aimlessly in the fields, the verandeh with a total loss of memory. he is stuck in time and is happy being in his own world. Trying to change his world would do nothing except for hampering his peace of mind.
My grandparents are lucky that they are spending their days at their own home. But I wonder what it will be for my parents generation. We are in a time where both husband and wife got to work. And work today mostly means a corporate environment(24/7, on-demand and many more lingos which just mean to say ‘work all the time with good pay in the sweat shop’). Who would be there back home to look after their aging parents. If there is no one, then it is better that they get dignified moments to spend in the old age homes.
Once again. its a thought provoking post. And its heart warming to know someone has his centenarian father staying with him.
I would whole heartedly agree with decemberstuds story as told by Champa. Yes, children observe and learn. If you depreived them of love and bonding in the young years in the name of money and fame – Yes they use the same approach to put you in a old age home.
I dont agree at all to this nonsence of old age homes unless the situation is so drastic that other than a old age home nothing is possible. These homes as seen by me are without the human compassion which is very much looked up in old age.
In old age one can not enjoy any of the comforts provided by wealth except for some stray medicine. Most of the solace comes from being around the near and dear ones.
If whom so ever is agreable to put their parents in these homes, they should be ready to get into one soon.
So as you seed, so you harvest
thought provoking , Bapuji i partialy agree with u that as a parent one should not expect too much from their children but as children don’t we have the responsibility towards or parents? who are responsible for our existence . Yes i agree with u that leaving in old age home is not bad but i think it should be respectful existence. Both parent and children shud be happy with the arrangements. I think emotional bonding is more important than physical togetherness.
As Nishant have told there are some constrains which cannot be overcome thumba jana vruddarige avara mane ooru bittu baro ishta iralla adhu avare aarisikonda dari adannu navu gauravisabekaguthe. Aadare eshto jana makkala jothe iralu thumba aase paduthare anthavarannu balavanthavagi ashramakke serisodu eshtu sari?
Nanna prakara beredeshadalli irorigintha indiadalli citynalli iro makkale thayi thandena sariyagi nodikollodilla
To conclude Shankaracharayaru sanyasi aagi ella bandana thredukondaru mathru rina thirisalu avara anthya kriye madidaru navu badukiro thayi thandena nodikolladiddare enu sadhisida hage aaguthe?
Suma,
Sariyagi helidri. Adhe namagu matthu barey yavarigu iro vathyasa.
Maybe a day will come when Kids meet parents only during a Ugadhi or a deepavali .
Bapuji, I liked your post supported with my favorite poem from Gibran.
Not only I appreciate those views but it has become philosophy of my life, especially the last stanza of the poem. I resolved that ‘I should be stable, then only the arrow will go swift and far, and my gladly bending in archer’s hand should help them in reaching their mark on the path of the infinit.’
Today both my children, whom i have brought into this world, are doing well in their chosen field, my son is Professor in U.S.A. and my daughter, with all the Gold medals, is following the spiritual path (taking Sanyas). It is their ‘Purv-Sukrut’ that leads them to their goal and gives them hapiness.
Nobody knows what is in store for us, but Archer’s love will keep us contended where-ever and in what-ever position we are! — Hemlata Moro.
Dear Hemalata
I feel blessed with your answer and elated that it struck a reseptive chord. You know nowadays blogging has become some sort of an intellectual game where truth is held to ransom at the altar of cynicism and the whole trend of arguments strays into byways. I am glad generally it has been welcome change from this trend.
Thanks again
Pingback: Parents Devo Bhava « Bangalore Blues
There are so many things involved in this hot subject. It will be wise to have a look from different angles.
But before, let me clarify that the views expressed here are strictly for myself and the like and certainly not for my parents.
And also i am moving to my parents place as they feel it is difficult to move to their daughter’s place (that is to our home. indian custom! as i am not a son!)
I AM SORRY IF I PRESENT SOMETHING WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING OUR CULTURE PROPERLY. AS I SAID THIS UNDERSTANDING IS ONLY FOR MYSELF
There are many lacunae from the people’s side in understanding indian culture. A few are bold and straight forward enough to remind this point. IT IS IN THE INDIAN TRADITION THAT WE FIND 4 ASHRAMS, THE LAST ONE OF WHICH IS VANAPRASTHASHAM, WHICH WE HAVE FAILED TO UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT AND FOLLOW IN SPIRIT.
After 75, it is expected to enter vanaprasthashram where we move out of our bondings both physically and mentally. We see that in the lives of many kings, (i do not know about commoners) in the stories. people lead a simple life shedding their desires. It is moving towards moksha. towards god. people lead a life of simplicity, spirituality, meditation, etc. there is no expectations, desires etc.
So this way of life is very much INDIAN in nature. And it is expected that this is the proper way of complete life style in any human life.
But nowadays the desires grow with age, expectations also follow, we cling to our physical lives, forget to grow with age and rot in the maze of uncalled for love towards life.
So please let us wake up. Instead of blaming the young let us look into ourselves, let us face the harsh reality. The fault is in us. We are living longer. more sickly life all around. The present generation faces a lot of stress, dilemma and guilt. So let us not burden them more.
Dayavittu kshamisi. yenda kudidavanu sathya bayibidthaananthe, haage nange nidde bandaga ivella jaasti bayige baraththe.
good night!
very good post and variety of comments from various perceptions.
It is true slowly the concept of respect for elders is coming down be it parents or others. They sacrifice everything to bring up and ultimately
land themselves in a state where they are in to a shock. If they are financilly sound atleast they will have something otherwise it is pathetic.
That way I feel pensioners who get decent pensions are safe. but in life money only will not matter particularly at old age company of grand children is the one which they really cherish.
Govinda if things of follwoing west continues children may not even come on you auspicious days of ugadi, dasara and deepavali but may turn up on father’s day, mother’s day, wedding anniversay (people come on the calander day but parents will be celebrating on hindu calander) etc., so when it is really festival no one will be there artificial festival in indian context they will come as a routine not with any special things.
It is very essential the old people keep their godl , money etc. atleast a portion with them so that they are not dependent to any thing on their children. I know cases with lot of papaering and promises th money is taken for their purpose and after wards they are totally neglected.
Most of th cases I see sons changing after marriage and i pity them they become totally different and go with spouse same spouse will take very good care etc., of their parents and when it comes in laws it is different.
after all parents are parents whether your or theirs this should be viewed in larger context and both sides parents and relatives are to be treated alike. alter all nobody will live for ever.
let godd senses prevail keep in touch with parents allow them to enjoy the company of their beloved grand children by sending them and vece versa keep teh sacred bond intact. yes old people also should learn to adjust a bit if is good for them.
our traditions culture and rituals have their own values and we should keep up the traditions for well being of mankind
i would like to know if i buy a house for my parents close to me so i can keep an eye on them instead of putting them in the nursing home is there a way i could get help. i could take of them with my brother because we are looking to buy a house so they would be close. could you let me know how and if we could get help from the gouverment.
Its not bad for the old age staying at Home for someone taking care of. I am looking for a job to take care of the old ages, it will be my pleasure doing that job so if you can employ me.
APPEAL FOR HEM MEMORIAL SOCIETY (Regd.)
(Society working for old aged and disabled )
ALAKNANDA COLONY, TALLI HALDWANI, HALDWANI, DISTT-NAINITAL, UTTRAKHAND, INDIA-263139
( Hem Memorial Society has obtained Pan Card, 12A and 80G certificates from Income tax department, India )
Society Reg. No.: 17/2009-2010 (Society is registered under societies registration act 21 of 1860) at Sub Registrar office Haldwani (Kumaoun Division)Uttrakhand.
Income Tax 80G Certificate No. – 5(E)/AA/HAL/80G/HMS/2010-11
Income Tax 12A Certificate No. – 5(E)/AA/HAL/12AA/HMS/2010-11
Your Decisions can make one life.
Your Decisions can make one future.
You could save one elderly today.
This society is a secular, non-political, non-governmental, non-profit registered Charitable society formed by a group of social workers, educated locals having real interest and the commitment to serve the people of different religions, language and especially to the locals who are in need. The basic idea to create the society is of Sri Harish Dhondiyal, who is the Secretary of the society. The object of the society is to fulfill the dream of Late Shri Hem Dhondiyal (Brother of the secretary Sri Harish Dhondiyal ) who had great desire to serve the Poor and helpless people. The mission is to help improve the basic health services of the poorest in Uttrakhand, building long term capacity through training and support. Irrespective of caste, creed and religion it is meant for a human service, social awareness, self realization and self support, community health, wealth liberation and leadership.
AIMS AND OBJECTIVES-
We ( Hem Memorial Society ) are presently working for old aged and disabled in Haldwani city of District –Nainital of Uttrakhand state.
Presently we are providing our members Day Care facilities. Like:- Providing them facility of exercise equipments for exercise for their good health, Library facility, Audio-Visual aids, Recreational items; Other than that we are helping them to get govt pension(old age pension, disabled pension, widow pension), doing their eye cataract operations with our own expenses, taking them to physio- therepy centre, providing them facility to get knowledge of stress management and disaster management by sending them to Uttrakhand Academy of Administration, Nainital on behalf of Hem memorial Society, Taking them on study tours to various places like Tata Motors Pantnagar, Parle G industry, Dainik Jagran press etc, Organising camps of medical health checkup and Yoga, time to time, Taking lectures time to time on various subjects like First- aid, benefits for Senior citizens provided by Govt(various ministries & departments) etc-etc.
Hem Memorial Society, Haldwani with its ample experience, proposed to establish an old age home for helpless and needy people for which 4000 sq ft of land, which is in the heart of the city is readily available. This OAH will be established for the better community care and empowerment.
In recent past we helped many old aged and disabled people in Sector of health and other services, for lacking some money they are unable to fulfill their dreams, so here we are requesting all of you to help these ignored but respected members of our society, to make successful person. For which your little contribution is needed so that they could achieve their goal. You can send your help towards by cheque, by bank draft or anything you like(either cash or kind). So join us and help the poor persons. You can get fully benefited by Income Tax as our society is recognized by Government of India Tax Department in under section 80G. One can visit ORKUT and search Harish Dhondiyal profile to see some of the Photographs of activities of Hem Memorial Society. They are self speaking.
About us :
Name : Hem Memorial Society, Haldwani
Registered On : 16th May 2009.
{Regd. Under The Societies Registration Act 21 of 1860} At Sub Registrar Office Haldwani, Uttrakhand India
Email : hdhondiyal@gmail.com
harishdhondiyal@yahoo.co.in
Contact : +91 05946 246385(Office)
+91 9411107655(President)
+91 9927360948(Secretary)
PAN : (Income Tax Department India)- AAAAH4106K
A/C No. : 3281
Bank : Nainital District Co-Operative Bank Ltd, Mandi Branch, Haldwani
Office Bearers – 1.MR. J.C.DHONDIYAL – PRESIDENT
2.MRS. DEVKI – VICE PRESIDENT
3.MR. HARISH DHONDIYAL – SECREATRY
4.MRS. MANJU – TREASURER
5.MRS. BIMLA SANWAL – MEMBER
6.MR. DEEPAK PANDEY – MEMBER
7.MR. HEERA BALLABH BHATT – MEMBER
Hello sir ,
you give a nice thought to people who think that parents are useless in their older ages
If you accept the inevitable which is in an acceptable condition you will be happy.
old age care institutions (1) which provides the material /medical comforts as per the need of the age.(2) Which provides the philosophical atmosphere the’ vana prastha ‘ essentials.(3) Which will include in its services the contact with the children (4) and often provide opportunities for the children to come and /visit stay with them(5) very cordial young serving staff(the kin) who care and provide the affection and security they miss from their kith (6) create opportunity to interact with visitors friends/medical staff to express their feelings
can to some extent make the inevitable acceptable.
We practice these essentials at Pejawara Sridhama Mysore. we are honest to say we do need improvement we are at it.