If you fail to prepare, you must prepare to fail

E.R. RAMACHANDRAN writes: Preparations are on in full swing by both students and teachers for the next academic year. As the winds of change blow across educational institutions, they are leaving nothing to chance in the mutual tug-of-war of learning/teaching. School managements, from convents to public schools, are also playing a vital part in this.

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How are students getting ready?

Students’ Association of India (SAI) has requested Supreme Court to allot numbers under the Indian Penal Code for  offences in classroom to file FIRs against their teachers. Once these numbers are available, they will SMS the numbers to students across India.

This is the abridged list of offences for which students have applied for allotment of numbers under IPC:

1. Making them stand up on the bench.2. Not being let out for ‘Soo Soo’ despite showing up the fingers.

3. Giving pet names such as ‘stupid’, ‘nalaayak’, ‘sombheri’.

4. Making them ‘stand’ like a chair.

5. Twisting the ear tissues between thumb and pointing finger.

6. Caning on his inverted fist

7. Not apologizing to the student after making her cry.

8.  Threatening a student that he will be reported to his parents for misbehaviour.

9. For not accepting a marks card back duly signed by the ‘guardian’, who happened to be the school mali.

10. Reporting the matter of disobedience to the headmaster.

11. Throwing mud in to their tiffin box.

12. For insisting on minimum ‘attendance’.

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How are the teachers are getting ready?

1. By equipping themselves with old hockey sticks, just in case if some students come together to get their ‘doubts’ clarified.

2. Buying old cycle chains from local ‘Lohar’ market for self protection.

3.  Keeping a couple of ‘dumb-bells’ to hit on the knees.

4. Having ‘special’ classes in which they learn from students how to take pictures and transmit using MMS.

5. Ditto for learning how to surf interesting social websites like Orkut, Myspace, Facebook, etc.

6. By studying for BL and LLB, and fighting cases filed on them by students.

7. Asking for police protection for them during students’ union elections.

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And how are private and public schools and convents getting ready?

Since the ‘Legal Redressal System’ will be an ongoing exercise, they have decided to collect ‘Legal Dress Fee’ yearly from students. The school will provide white pant, white shirt and black coats when they have to appear before court. To and fro transport charges will be extra.

Although teachers will be provided essential stationery like cane, duster, chalk pieces FOC, they will have to pay for protective gears like hockey sticks, cycle chains, dumb-bells etc. However, charges for these will be deducted from their monthly salary in instalments.

Parents will be allowed in school premises only once a month to pay the fees, and pay up for any damages involving their ward in the previous month etc. In all other times, schools will be out of bounds for them. They may kindly note their wards also prefer the same.

The Management will not show the ‘Live proceedings of Parliament” or “Proceedings in the Vidhana Soudha’ from where the students and teachers are likely to pick up the ‘mara-mari’ scenes.

The old school prayer Vande Matharam is being replaced by The Godfather tune.