ALOK PRASANNA writes from Bangalore: The relentless march of humanity has resulted in the extinction of several species of flora and fauna from this world, and now threatens to swallow up two more: the Marathi Manoos and the Mannina Maga, commonly known as M&Ms.

The rising tides of globalisation, immigration, and freedom of expression threaten to drown these two species of humanity like the tsunami in Dasavatharam.

The only way to save them is by identifying and protecting them, while destroying all their predators down to the last individual.

Due to the continuous assault by the predators, it has become hard to identify the true manoos and the true maga and therefore, great efforts have been made to examine and spot the characteristics of the true manoos and the true maga.

Though there are some features common to both the manoos and the maga: they are totally different species of humanity since one speaks Marathi and the other Kannada.

It is a common mistake to believe that the two species refer to those humans who generally speak Marathi and Kannada, and are from the areas now known as Karnataka and Maharashtra. Furthermore, all speakers of Marathi and Kannada are not members of these elusive groups, but must show certain distinctive traits that are the hallmark of the true manoos and the true maga.

Thanks to the untiring efforts of the Maharashtra Navnirman Samithi, Janata Dal (Secular), and the Karnataka  Rakshana Vedike, we have now been able to precisely define these traits. It is with great pleasure that we bring to the public’s notice, this vital information in order that we may quickly identify and save these endangered species:

# M&Ms are perennially unemployed and generally unemployable in the absence of a strict reservation scheme keeping aside a certain number of jobs in a lucrative sector for them.

# M&Ms are highly sensitive to insults and have a very sensitive insult perception mechanism built into their bodies. Though the M&Ms are not capable of actually expressing outrage, nonetheless, the certain groups have been able to accurately tap into the insult perception mechanism of the M&Ms and respond accordingly.

# By nature, and by curious set of circumstances, the M&Ms never resort to violence themselves, and are generally patient and understanding. This however does not prevent them from quietly approving the wanton acts of destruction and mayhem caused by their supporters for perceived insults. [Note: the same behaviour is curiously also present in the “Hindu”, another threatened species on the subcontinent]

# The M&Ms, unlike the majority of the human race, are generally found sans a funny bone. As a result, they are unable to distinguish between statements made humourously and seriously, preferring to take all statements out of context and understanding.

# The M&Ms have a distinct preference for black tar and black paint. This is generally used to mark out territory and express oneself through the unique process of “defacement”.

# Both the manoos and the maga are endangered due to the migration of large herds of “UP-Bihar North Indians speaking Hindi“. It is presently unclear how exactly these ravenous herds are causing the extinction of the M&Ms. Some say it is their ability to find employment at low rates, while others contend that it is their tendency to speak Hindi that is endangering the manoos and the maga. Further research, involving threats, assault and intimidation, currently being carried out by the MNS and the KRV, promises to confirm once and for all. Nevertheless, you can be sure that wherever these large herds of predators are found, the manoos and the maga will not be.

# The other great enemy of the M&Ms are the “English speaking convent educated city-slickers”. These are mutant manoos and magas who have been banished from the manoos and maga societies, but nonetheless continue to cause harm by speaking and communicating English. A good way of identifying a manoos or maga is to speak English in public and look for a massive contortion of face, resulting in an emission of hate rays in your direction.

Thanks to the efforts of the MNS and the KRV, the manoos and the maga have not yet gone extinct and continue to survive somewhere.

We ask all right minded members of the public to keep this list handy so that they may be useful in identifying and protecting these endangered species of humanity.

Naturally M&Ms may react unfavourably to this notice as well since irony is far beyond them. Therefore it is advised to keep this out of their sight.

We must all do our bit to ensure that they don’t go the way of the Honest Indian Politician.

Cartoon: courtesy Keshav/ The Hindu, digitally altered