E.R. RAMACHANDRAN writes: Syed Mohibulla Shah, head of Trade Development Authority of Pakistan (TDAP), was in the bunker conducting the meeting.
Officials from the States of Azad Kashmir, Baluchistan, Sindh, Punjab, North-west Frontier, and Federal tribal area were huddled around him.
The meeting time was as usual: midnight.
“Our exports are going down the graph. We need to pull up our AK-47s or AK-56s or what have you to achieve our target,” thundered Shah straightaway.
“You must give us the required manpower and material. I have run out of narcotic drugs so necessary to finance my operations. Bhai-log tho madad kar rahen hain.. phir bhi mushkil hain… Less said the better regarding manpower; our chaps sing like a bird when caught. This is serious and shows our brainwashing department is no good,” said the man from Sindh.
“We do not have enough grenades and explosive sticks. You tell us to pull-up our AK47s. Fine. We don’t even get what we ask for. Last week when we asked for more magazines for our guns, we got loads of Akbar-e-Jehan, Apna Jhelum to read! The donkeys which carry supplies to Amriki troops get more incentives than us. How can we double our exports at this rate?” wailed the man from Azad Kashmir.
“When I asked you for results, you all become crybabies! Dekh, you will get truckloads of drugs so there will be enough stock to sell across the counter in the drugstore. We will be getting the next instalment of cold cash from America soon. Our President will release the same from treasury after his usual mandatory cuts. You will have guns slinging from both arms. But I want results come what may,” thundered Shah while banging his AK-47 to the ground.
“Our training schedules are few and far in between. At this rate our exports will nosedive. If you can arrange some crack shots from Taliban and ISI, it will help,” said the representative from Punjab.
“Taliban ka CEO Mullah Omar ko layenge; JeM chief Masood Azhar khud aakar training denge. But so far we had only few hits in the last 9 months? At this rate I will lose my job. Here is the map of Pakistan. Zara torch on karo. I want action, all around our territory, action. Understand? Send suicide trucker, or men by road, water or air or whatever. There must be non-stop action. Organise camps everywhere. If you need more space give holidays to schools. Use classrooms.”
“What about training our friends on the other side of territory? We need local logistic support too.”
“Are our sleeper modules still sleeping or what? Get those idiots on the satellite phone. Ullu ke phatte hain, saale. I will speak to them myself.”
“We must congratulate you on one thing, janaab. Amidst all this, our disinformation department is doing a great job. The spin that is given is far better than Abdul Qadir’s leg spin!” said the Azad Kashmir man.
For the first time Mohibullah Shah allowed himself a grin.
“This is personally handled by President saab himself who is an expert in this. I have learnt a lot from him. Before we leave, let me make it clear once again. We are world’s number # 1 on ‘Exports of Terror’ after replacing IRA and LTTE. Pakistan should never lose this avval position. Just make sure of this,” concluded the Head of TDAP.