‘Not tonight, darling. I have a match day after’

PALINI R. SWAMY writes from Bangalore: Back when Kerry Packer ushered in day-night cricket, the slogan used to be “Big boys play at night.” As if to prove that life imitates art, Indian cricket coach Gary Kirsten has told the boys in blue to have sex to perform better.

“Having sex increases testosterone levels, which causes an increase in strength, aggression and competitiveness. Conversely, not having sex for a few months causes a significant drop,” a vision statement handed to the team reads.

Whether the advice has been taken to the loins, we will know tonight when India take on Australia in a do-or-die, maro-ya-karo (pun unintended) match in the Champions Trophy. If the team wins, we can safely conclude that bodily fluids have been saefly exchanged.

If not, we can conclude the poor l’il things have been sleeping, like Khushwant Singh, with a hot-water bottle after the defeat against Pakistan two nights ago.

But in an era when cheer girls are hanging around beyond the boundary, Gary’s ‘Game Sutra‘ now has plenty of potential to be misunderstood.

So, here goes top-12 commentary cliches that now stand the risk of sounding, well, a little risque.

12) “The third umpire is bringing in a new set of balls.”

11)“Will they send the night watchman?”

10) “This is the Cup they are are fighting for.”

9) “Oh, oh, oh. He let’s it go between his legs.”

8) “This might prove to be a costly miss.”

7) “He has always had tremendous hand-eye coordination…”

6) “Short-leg has gone back a little.”

5) “Up goes the umpire’s finger.”

4) “He stroked the ball between fine leg and square leg.”

3) “I did it for the team.” (variation: “I did it for my father.”)

2) “It was a half-cock shot.”

1) “In comes “The  Little Master”. Is it going to be his day today?”