Ever ready to spread the spirit of Indian democracy to newer shores, E.R. RAMACHANDRAN shoots off a personal letter to the leader of the Liberal Democrats in Britain.
Mr Nicholas Clegg
Leader of Liberal Democrats
Dear Mr Clegg
Britain’s election results have confounded most political pundits as they are beset with a hung parliament.
Gordon Brown’s dowdy, uncharismatic leadership resulted in Labour Party losing 91 seats and ending with 258 seats, worth only a tuppence when it comes to forming a Government.
The Conservative Party under their young leader, David Cameron, got 305 Seats, 21 seats fewer than 326, the minimum required to form a government.
The Liberal Democrats, under your leadership, have lost 5 seats and ended with 57 seats. But you hold the ‘key’ to forming the next government.
This is a classic ‘Indian’ political situation wherein destiny has showered upon you the role of a ‘Kingmaker’.
Perhaps due to eating ‘curry’ at frequent intervals at Veeraswamy’s and other Indian joints and watching IPL, it is small wonder the overworked British gastronomy has followed India’s footsteps in politics.
This is a golden opportunity for Liberal Democrats to ‘make hay while the sun shines’ while insisting they will not allow ‘communal forces’ to come to power and do everything they can to bring ‘secular’ forces like the Conservative party to power.
Of course, there is a price to be paid; that is the dictum of politics.
You have to extract it, as Shylock tried to get ‘his pound of flesh’.
If you want to make Cameron the next Prime Minsiter, you need to keep your flock of MPs under your thumb so that you can negotiate hard for cabinet berths etc.
History will record the noble role you played to get a new Prime Minister to England.
I hope you will adopt the Indian strategy to achieve your goal. Our strategy is time-tested and State governments in India like Karnataka, Tamil Nadu, Gujarat, Haryana, Andhra Pradesh etc are credited with these innovations.
Here’s what you need to do, Mr Clegg:
1. You should start with ‘Resort’ politics. That is, load all the 52 Liberal Democrats into a Volvo Bus and drive in to a resort. Serve them gin and tonic or vodka or whatever they want en route. Make sure you have enough crispies and peanuts to go with the drinks.
2. Confiscate the mobile phones, iPhones and iPads so that they can neither talk to their same sex lovers, husbands, wives etc. This will also prevent them from contacting Gordon Brown to hatch a secret deal.
3. Take the bus towards Dorset, East Devon Coast as per plan. After a while take the bus in the opposite direction to Durham Castle and cathedral, 180 degrees off the original plan. This is a classical Karnataka Plan.
4. Mr Clegg, remember you are having an internal meeting to decide what to ask Cameron if he wants to be the next Prime Minister. At Durham, you might come across a senior doddering Lib Dem member who himself many not be interested in a cabinet berth. But he would insist the post of Chancellor of Exchequer to his first wife’s second son and post of ‘Leader of the House of Commons, Lord Privy Council, and Minister for women and Equality’ to the second daughter of his second wife. He may want his third son (‘wifey’ unknown) be made ambassador to Scotland so that he could look after the distilleries there. This is Tamil Nadu Lemma on Self- Help Management.. You’d better accommodate the old bounder.
5. As per your direction, Cameron may land with huge bags carrying sterling pounds. Don’t be clumsy and handle cash and get caught with pants and nighties down as it happened to some of our leaders in BJP and Samata Party! Ask them to drop them in churches close to the Liberal Democrats. They will have the bags collected through their secretaries.
6. Find out what price Cameron is willing to pay if you could promise a ‘Cameron dynasty’ wherein his wife, his sons and daughter will succeed him ‘generation after generation’? Like George dynasty or Henry dynasty?
7. Your job is done only when Cameron is sworn as the Prime Minister. Before that you may have to parade your MPs in pyjamas in front of the Queen and Prince of Wales at Buckingham Palace in the middle of night. You have to ensure they are all sober and check with guards regarding Royals’ Sobriety before you take them for a head-count.
8. Finally just to make sure you get the job done, please check with the Royalty ‘How they should be taken care of’. Even if the queen is OK, sometimes, Prince Philip is queer and he may want some jolly good things to be taken care of. Just make sure he is pampered even if he is in his knickerbockers and his requests borders on queerness’.
Mr Clegg, you have the rarest of rare opportunities to create a ‘Cameron Dynasty’ in England much like the Georges and Henrys!
Let not history say you didnt’ try.
Good luck, Mr. Clegg.
I remain, yours sincerely