10 steps to turn Vikasa Soudha to Vinasha Soudha

E.R. RAMACHANDRAN writes: Indra, the king of Amravathi, and Vishwakarma, the first architect, were flying over southern India when Indra noticed a bunch of strange-looking men sweating all over, moving suit cases from city to city with much difficulty.

With his divya drushti, it didn’t take long for Indra to understand what’s going on.

Dissidence being a major preoccupation of the asuras in Karnataka, Indra felt the Emme Les deserved a headquarters of their own for the benefit of their “developmental” activities.

What better location than the Vikasa Soudha?

Since the State is also renowned for ‘Agni Pareeksha‘ (vote of confidence’) and Seetha apaharana (kidnapping), Indra thought Vikasa Soudha was the right place to combine the various talents of the members of the Vidhana Soudha.

With the architect-in-chief of the devas, Vishwakarma, beside him, it did not take long for Indra to put his vision into practice. Once Indra briefed him on what he wanted, in two minutes’ time Vishwakarma got the blueprint for the new Vikasa Soudha ready with all its new features.

1. The roof of the building was converted into a helipad to transport ‘loyal’ as well as ‘rebel’ MLAs to whichever resorts the respective high commands decided. Naturally, a fleet of helicopters was in ready attendance, bought from the budget allotted for flood relief operations in North Karnataka.

2. The Emme Les thought it was unwise to spend tax-payers’ money by running to resorts at the drop of an ‘Agni Pareeksha’. So, the second floor was turned into a swimming pool with all the stress-busting massages that the resorts provided. ‘Soma Rasa’ ‘Tarra’,  ‘Desi’, ‘Videshi’ maals were available on tap with a 24×7 kitchen.

3. Sound-proof cubicles were available for parlays between Appa–Magaa, Anna–ThammaAppa- Maga-Thamma, boss-girl friend, mining mother and sons . Those who paid double the tariff could get their conversations recorded into ready-to-transmit “sting operations” for TV9.

4. One floor was converted into a fake ICU with fake doctors, fake blood, fake medical equipment, fake treadmill, fake reports, but with real nurses, for Emme Le or ministers caught red-handed in rape, notification/ denotification, recruitment scams, land scams or benami transactions.

5. Underground safety deposit vaults were now available for the convenience of the parties and the Emme Les. However, the minimum deposit was Rs 25 crore.

6. Black magic and voodoo being the backbone of any ‘Agni Pareeksha’, facilities for homas, pujas, vamaachar were available on number 106 by room service. For a fee, the Emme Les can have a virtual darshan of gods and goddesses in Tamil Nadu or donate an elephant to a temple in Kerala. All the raw material for the maata-mantra such as bangles, pins to pierce dolls, kumkuma, haladi and blood of sheep, pig or cat will be made available for the puja between midnight and 3 am.

7. If the Emme Les were kidnapped either by the ruling party or the opposition, the new structure would have swamijis of various mutts on call to deliver discourses on ‘Sita Apaharana’ till the person is found or the case is abandoned whichever is earlier.

8. Eme Les kept in separate cow-sheds or horse- sheds and will be openly auctioned by the marshals of the assembly and sold to the highest bidder. ‘Boosa’, ‘ mamool’ ‘chai paani’ will be made available at the shed  itself for the animal thus being auctioned.

9. Kiosks of the various mobile companies will be set up on each floor for the convenience of the Emme Les to keep in touch with their bosses/suitors.

10. A high-speed underground passage  would be constructed to the Raj Bhavan so that traffic is not disrupted each time the Emme Les have to report to or seek guidance of the honourable governor.

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After a year when they visited the site again, both Indra and Vishwakarma found  the place bursting at seams in all the floors. Vikas Soudha, now renamed Vinasha Soudha, had truly come of age with its own brand of politics.