A-Z of COVID: a Crazy, Over-the-top and Very Indian Dictionary of the virus that turned you into a hostage in your own house for 3,528 hours

Sure, a virus and a disease that has killed thousands is not a laughing matter.

But WTF when everybody is WFH…

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A for Antakshari

Traditional time-pass of “Yale” grads (tatkal scheme) to humour plebs during #JanataCurfew, the voluntary but mandatory dress rehearsal for lockdown.

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B for Baby Doll

A celebritidiot who carries a “high viral load” to four parties in three cities in five days. Usage: “you are never too old to play with this baby doll… if you have survived this long”.

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C for China Virus

Accurate GPS coordinates of a microbe detected by swadeshi scientists sitting thousands of miles away from Donald Trump, but who cannot call a pogrom in their own frontyard a pogrom.

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C for Chauthaiwale

#GujaratModel “molecular biologist”—and London Business School alum for a full week—deployed to discredit an economist and epidemiologist who warns India of a “tsunami of coronavirus cases”.

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C for Corona

What comes after chikungunya, dengue and swine flu during Narendra Chanchal‘s mata ki chowki.

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C for Covid

French for Video Conference, the safe and sanitised mode of communication of The Great Communicator, who does not have the cojones to meet the members of the press in flesh and blood.

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C for C-O-V-I-D-O-R-C-E

7-letter, 13-point Scrabble anagram for the spurt in separation of couples united only by a common wi-fi password, but forced to live and work under the same roof for 24x7x21 i.e. 3,528 hours.

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E for 8 PM

Rahu Kalam by rotation. Thursday last week, Tuesday this week.

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E for Eleusine coracana

Scientific name for finger millet (ragi) that saved Kannadigas from CoronaVirus, according to Sandalwood star Shivaraj Kumar.

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G for Gaumutra

Liquid by-product of metabolism in bovine creatures, excreted from the urethra situated south of the rectal aperture. Advancing its utility can alternately serve as a keycard to kill in one state, and open jail doors in another.

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G for #GoCorona

Catchy chorus hook created by a Marathi MC for Bangalore rapper Anup K.R. (Not to be confused for Gokarna, hometown of Kannada poet-lyricist Jayant Kaikini.)

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H for Hantavirus

Dubious Chinese sellers trying to milk Coronavirus by using alliteration to attract the attention of attention-challenged chyron-writers at Hindi TV news channels.

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H for Health Minister

King Janak.

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H for “Home-made rasam”

Kitchen trick used by ancient Tamils to make corporation ‘thanni’ edible—and by Kannadigas to stave off saar’s virus. The colonisers addded lemon, turmeric and rice to turn it into mulligtawny.

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K for Karona

Bhojpuri for to-do, s-l-o-w-l-y.

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K for #KaroNamaste

A selfie with the god inside you, but to “save you”, as seen by Punjab Kesari.

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K for KLPD

Originally, Malaysian acronym for Kuala Lumpur Police Department, inspiration for hit TV show ‘KLPD Blue’. Now just a random cry for a return to a happy, peaceful, prosperous past by nostalgists.

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K for Kovind

Not to be mistaken for Covid, press council of India order.

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L for Lakshman Rekha

The revised line in the sand for Yogi Adityanath.

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L for Lockdown

Hilarious antonym of “lockup”, which is a small temporary prison where police can keep criminals for a short period of time.

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M for Mahabharat

An epic Indian battle 4,500 years ago that took lesser time than it might take to win the Corona combat.

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N for NDTV Exclusive

Weekly pow-wow with Jaggi Vasudev, formerly of Gokulam Road, Mysore, on any topic causing discomfort to the government. Last week CAA, this week Corona.

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N for NSFWFH

Not Suitable For Work From Home.

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O for Omar

Kashmiri, for ‘to ruin’—again and again. As in ‘usne Bappi Lahiri ki gaan ko Omar diya’.

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P for Psychoneurobics

WhatsApp University department to study whether empty vessels make more noise at 5 pm and, if so, what medical effect it has on doctors and nurses who have pulled away from vital operations to see what the hullaballoo is.

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Q for Quarantini

James Bond’s fantasy of having a martini, shaken not stirred, in quarantine.

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R for Revati

Not Amitabh Bachchan’s co-star Revathi in a 2007 film but the star in the galaxy that fetched @RoflGandhi_ his 500,000th follower on Twitter, on the day Indians were showing ‘aatm-saiyam’ in the “national interest”.

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S for Saiyam

The level of self-control recommended to be shown by Indians when a control freak talks of the ‘bada sankat’ posed by the pandemic, to deal with which he showed no ‘sankalp’ for three months.

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S for Sunlight

Not the Unilever soap brand, but the natural disinfectant.

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T for #ThaaliBajao

Bizarre hashtag trending in a country that ranked 102nd out of 117 countries on the Global Hunger Index 2019. Not to be mistaken for #TaliBajao, Hindi for claptrap.

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U for Unani

Medical prescription for symptomatic treatment of #Coronavirus, thankfully ignored by residents of Hunan.

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V for Vibrations

The tingling feeling Hindus in filmdom feel in their pant pockets when they tweet something that is guaranteed to fetch them a movie role, an ad contract, an event appearance—or a chief ministership.

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W for Wuhan

Punjabi honeymoon destination for, that which is not ‘yahan’. As in ‘yahan sab changa si, Wuhan sab nanga si’.

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Images: courtesy Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, The Times of India, Hindustan Times, Deccan Herald, New Indian Express, The Telegraph, The Economic Times, Deccan Chronicle, Deccan Herald